Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
