Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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