I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
