it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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