there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
