I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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