Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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