I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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