My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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