It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
