If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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