i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
