It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
