I wish they made helmets for livers.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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