$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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