If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
