I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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