Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
