would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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