why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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