I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
