New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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