i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
