Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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