His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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