If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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