i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
