Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
