i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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