Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize