You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
