not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
