The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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