if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize