So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
