Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Pants are for mortals
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
