Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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