Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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