And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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