He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
