dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
