literally had 100 drinks last night.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
