My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
