The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
