i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
