I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize