nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
