in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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