I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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