I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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