if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
