Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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