I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
