Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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