.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
