um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
