The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Randomize
